by Andi

When someone spells their child’s name in a way that guarantees NOBODY WILL EVER BE ABLE TO PRONOUNCE IT RIGHT, LIKE EVER.

What Just Happened?

Here’s the thing. There is already a list of names, known and usually pronounced correctly, that fit into the category of being spelled strangely for the pronunciation. Examples: Sean, Seamus, Siobhan, Joaquin, Phoebe … I’m sure there are more, though not many.

The problem comes when the ego of the human mother overrides any rational decision to just use one of those and MAKE UP A NEW ONE.

You’re Welcomename

I imagine your kid will be “thanking” you for that for his/her entire life, fending off questions like, “why is your name spelled like that?” and having to correct every teacher, in every class, on every first day of school ever. Not to mention the lifetime of correcting everyone thereafter forced to read his/her name.

FUN.

My Desperate Need To Be Original…

Let’s talk about names that already have a pronunciation tied to them. And you wanna tell me how to “say it right.” Really? Is this really happening?

I’m inventing a new way to spell Sam–> Psam. And Nicole will now be Knicole.

That’s my thing… Silent letters. I’m original. Nobody thought of that yet…

Or, how about if I spell Grace like Grass. That’ll trip up some people. 

In Other News…

What’s up with the masses that pre-name their child (before birth), some ugly name and go around making  announcements that,name “Her name is Margaret but we’re calling her Margie…” or, “His name is Arthur but we’re calling him Artie.”

Dear Artie & Margaret,

I apologize. For everything I just said as well as for the fact that your parents are assholes … times 2. 

But Seriously

In the same way that no good can come from naming your child Bertha, how is assigning this pre-destined hiccup to your child worth whatever-the-F your reasoning is for naming your child some strange pronunciation of an already existing name that is not pronounced the way you want us to pronounce YOUR KID’S name?

I don’t care how cute your kid is. Autocorrect will be up his ass FOREVER.

Whatever happened phonetical spelling?? Hmm? 

Don’t get me started on how destiny is not a name.

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